Roughin' It
by scuderia tifosi
Summary: Reboot. After an unusually slow week at Danger HQ, our interpid heroes go camping in the woods, with unexpected results. A parody of The Loud House episode with the same name.


**All rights belong to their respective owners.**

In the living room of the HQ, Penfold, Squawkencluck and some agents were watching TV. They were watching a reality show.

 _"Will our captivating captain find her first mate, or will it be man overboard? Find out tonight as we set sail for love on...The Dream Boat."_ said the annoucer on TV.

"Eeeee! Karen should totally pick Branson, he's...so gorgeous, I can't even..." said Penfold.

"No way, dude!" replied Danger Mole. "What about Brack? He wrote her that sweet jam." He then remembered a scene in an earlier episode where Brack played a piece on an accordion for Karen.

"I like Bram." said Danger Snake.

"Eww! He gives me the creeps!" replied Danger Bug.

"Exactly."

"I like Bryant!" replied Danger Moth. Everyone looked at her. "He's so romantic..." She then remembered a scene where Bryant and Karen were on deck.

 _"Karen, I'll be your North Star." He then sighed. "'Cause no matter where this journey takes you, I'll always be there to guide you home."_

"'North Star'?" said Squawkencluck. "Ach, poppycock. Tree moss is a far more reliable means of navigation, given that it only grows on the north side of trees."

"I like Blaine!" said Danger Hedgehog. "I bet he can bench 300 pounds, maybe 320 with his bod!"

DM then joined them. "Blaine? But he wore flip flops to their first date! I mean, I can't even..." The agents, Penfold and Squawkencluck chatter among themselves.

"Chief, it's so much fun watching this show with you, you're like...literally 'one of the girls'!"

He gasped in shock. "'One of the girls'?!" He then remembered being outside the bathroom one morning, standing between Danger Moth and Squawkencluck. Both were wearing mud masks on the lower halves of their faces. They looked like they had beards.

 _"This mud mask is both cleansing and invigorating." said Squawkencluck to Danger Moth._

 _"Oh, my pores are tingling!"_

He then remembered filing Danger Moth's fingernails on her right hand. _"Thanks, DM. I always mess up my right hand."_

He then remembered the time he infiltrated All 5 It, where he was knitting some threads with a female crew member. _"Back two, over one."_

 _"You got it, bro!" She then tried on the headband she knitted. "These accessories will make the outfits rockin'!_

 _"Rocking!"_

He then remembered the time he helped repair a with flower prints for Colonel K, who had just "won" his "free holiday".

 _"DM, how's that seam coming?"_

 _"Almost done!"_

 _"Thanks! I can wear this shirt for all five seasons!" DM then rolled his eyes, but since his left eye is hidden under the iPatch, only his right eye was seen rolling._

Back at the present, DM turned to the audience and said, "Yikes! Is spending all my time around girls turning me into one? Nah, I'm sure It'll turn out fine."

The Colonel then entered, in person, wearing a pink apron and oven mitts, holding a tray of strawberry muffins. "What did I miss? Did Blaine finally put on some loafers?"

"This show's getting old. Let's watch guy stuff." said DM as he changed channels.

The others exclaimed. "HEY!"

"A lifetime in the extreme wilderness has made Rip Hardcore as tough as a two-dollar steak." said a male TV annoucer.

"Now this is my kind of show."

The professor scoffed, "Since when?"

"Oh no, turn it back! We're gonna miss the anchor ceremony!" said the Colonel, and they started jostling for the remote.

 _I really need to take a hike, and I mean it literally. thought DM. Maybe tomorrow._

* * *

~The Wilderness, a green refuge from the hustle and bustle of the city. And this is where our two interpid heroes take a break from saving the world.~

"It's been a slow week at the HQ." replied DM, who was walking in with Penfold, who, for once, was not wearing his usual clothes. They were carrying camping supplies. "It's like every megalomaniac and villian decided to go take a hike or something."

~Oh I see, I'd better take my leave before I get lost in the woods or something.~

"Let me get this straight. You think living with the girls has made you unmanly so we're spending a weekend in the extreme wilderness so we can turn into steaks?" asked Penfold

"Eh, Close enough." And the two proceeded to walk deeper into the forest.

"Wait! I promised the Colonel and Professor I'd stay in their line of sight." The camera panned out to reveal a country cabin, with Colonel K and Squawkencluck standing in front, waving at the camera. "It's supposed to be a really nice country cabin." continued Penfold.

"Penfold! How are we supposed to toughen up with them watching over us?" and DM dragged his hamster companion into the woods.

"But they were willing to bring us some of their complimentary welcome scones..."

* * *

The duo then approached a wooded area by a fast moving stream and stopped by its bank. "Now this spot looks perfect." said the mouse agent.

Penfold read a nearby sign. "But the sign says 'No Camping Here! Extreme Danger!'"

"Exactly, Extreme! Our first order of business; securing shelter."

Penfold got a tent out of his large backpack. "My folks used this tent on a safari last year. It has it's own veranda."

"Tough guys don't sleep on verandas, Penfold." said the apparently monocular rodent, as he gathered some tree branches. "They build their own shelter."

* * *

Later, the two were looking at the same branches propped up against a tree.

"What a beauty." said Penfold.

"All in a manly day's work. Now how about we rustle up some grub."

"Great." replied Penfold as he retrieved a picnic basket from the backpack. "I made Swiss Chard Frittata, and I brought my favorite; strawberry jam..." he then picked out other jars of jam, with flavors like rasberry, blueberry, blackberry and elderberry, as well as a bottle of milk, and a BlackBerry phone.

"Forget the frittata, Penfold. Tough guys eat beans." He then produced a can.

Penfold had prepared a stove and was putting on an apron. "Were you thinking chili or more of a cassoulet?"

* * *

They then ate the beans raw but they were somehow not enjoying it.

DM, feigning delight, broke the silence. "Mmm-mmm-mmm! Good stuff, right?"

"Very... tasty." said Penfold, weakly.

"I think I'll save the rest for later."

"Yeah, breakfast. Or... never." he said, almost to himself.

"Well, were burning daylight here. Better get started on our campfire."

"Way ahead of you." Penfold took out an aritficial campfire. "This baby's got LED lights, silk flames and realistic crackling sounds." He turned it on and the fake flames waved back and forth. DM looked at the camera with annoyance before he turned the campfire off.

"Penfold, tough guys make real fires."

DM then proceeded to bang two stones together on some twigs to create a spark but to no avail. When a spark was eventually produced, he tried to fan the flame by blowing it while Penfold used the picnic cloth to shield it from the wind. DM then tried using Penfold's eyewear to start a fire, not realizing he was holding it in the wrong direction, even as Penfold was walking and feeling his way around. The concave inside of the lenses caused the sunlight to diffuse over a larger area, instead of concentraing the sun's rays onto a spot, even as Penfold walked right into a tree.

* * *

Later, they were sitting on a log and shivering. "R-r-really tough guys don't even need fire. They brave the elements." said DM.

Penfold let out some gas. "Sorry! Must have been the beans. Or the loss of feeling below my waist."

"No need to apologize, Penfold. We're not in the city. Tough guys let it all out." He then let it rip.

"Well, in that case..."

The two started tooting and belching. They got carried away and stopped only after a non-antromorphic bird dropped from the sky.

* * *

At nightfall, the two were laying their sleeping bags on the ground. Penfold had changed into his Giraffe Warrior onesies.

He yawned, "All this extreme ruggedness has worn me out." as he set up an inflatable mattress. "What level of firmness do you want?"

"We don't need that. The ground will be our mattress."

"Oh, so extra firm."

They then got into their sleeping bags. However, they started tossing and turning.

* * *

Eventually, they gave up and laid down on the infaltable mattress, which was set to extra firm.

"We're tough guys, not wildlife." said DM, as Penfold nodded in agreement. They looked up at the stars. "Reminds me of that Top Gear episode where Hammond was camped out at the Canadian Rockies, and the others had to retrieve him. I've been thinking about getting that huge roof lamp for the Danger Car. Just imagine Squawk's reaction when she sees that collapsed sun shining in the garage." He then added, "I'm really glad we did this, Penfold. Out here in the woods, away from all the girls. I'm starting to feel like a real man."

"Me... toot." Penfold then proceeded to pass some gas as he made the pun and started laughing. "Oh, I think I just found a way to stay warm." He tooted again and giggled. DM then moved a couple of inches to his left and turned away. He didn't need to smell that.

* * *

The following morning, the alarm clock function on DM's iPatch activated. It's gentle oscillation massaged his head, as a blue honeycomb light pattern enemated from the center, in a sonar like wave effect. He yawned, "Nothing like waking up on-"

"WATER! We- we're on the water!" A terrified Penfold pointed to the edge of the mattress. They were no longer on solid ground, but on a fast-moving stream. He hung on to his Chief's right leg and screamed.

"How did this happen?"

It turned out, the tide rose before daybreak, causing the stream to overflow its banks, and the fast-moving water carried the mattress with it.

They looked at each other, before turning to the camera. They then noticed a waterfall ahead of them and Penfold screamed in terror.

"Paddle!" shouted DM, and the two frantically paddled with their arms, as their equipment were either left behind at the campsite or washed away. "Thanks for reminding us that." said DM sarcastically, to the camera. While paddling frantically, they noticed some branches flowing down the stream towards some rocks in front of the waterfall.

"Hey, isn't that our shelter?" asked Penfold as the branches piled up in front of the outcrop, blocking the flow of water.

"It's making a dam!" They celebrate. "We're saved, and all because we built our own shelter like the-" The mattress made contace with the sharp ends of the branches and exploded, sending them flying towards the bushes. They landed on some brambles, but were unhurt "Chief! Are you all right?" "I'm fine, I landed on a really soft rock." It turned out to be a non-antromorphic moose which got up in anger. "Not a rock, moose!" Penfold screamed as they ran away from the charging moose and climbed up a nearby tree.

"Ha, nothing two tough guys like us can't handle. Right Penfold?"

"Chief, what's a moose doing on this side of the 'pond?"

"This is a fanfic of a kids' show, where the writers and author can put anything he or she wants in it."

The moose then rammed into the tree, sending them flying towards a clearing, where they land on a soft spot.

"Penfold, are you all right?"

"I'm fine, I landed on a really soft rock." It turned out to be a beehive, and an angry swarm of bees came out. "Not a rock, a bee hive!" He screamed as he ran away. DM ran with him, against better judgement. They were stung as they ran. "This is still nothing tough guys like us can't handle." said DM, and they stopped running. "At least it's not raining." Rain then started pouring down. "Is that all you got!?" he shouted skywards. A mudslide then came out of nowhere and dragged them down the mountain as they continue screaming. They were carried into a cave, where they started panting.

Penfold broke the silence. "Chief, I know this probably sounds lame to a tough guy like you but I'm hungry and wet and cold and I kinda wish we were with the Colonel and Professor in the country cabin eating welcome scones."

"So do I." he sighed. "I was kidding myself, Penfold. I'm no tough guy. After all those years around all those women, it's too late for me. Now if you don't mind, I'm gonna lie down on this nice, soft rock." It turned out to be a bear. "Not a rock! Bear!" The two screamed as the bear roared. DM then realized something. "Penfold, It's not a black bear. Quick, play dead!"

They laid down and remained motionless. The bear prodded Penfold. After getting no response, it went away. After they were sure the bear was gone, they got up. "Chief, that was amazing! How did you know what to do?" "Basic jungle survival training. If it's not a black bear, climbing up a tree or playing dead are available options." Penfold looked at his Chief with doubt. The mouse was considered over-powered, as he could easily bench-press an armchair with the Colonel sitting on it. He could easily bring a full-grown grizzly into submission. "All right, I watched a show about a kid and his ten sisters."

"Does it say anything about keeping warm?" said Penfold, who started shivering.

* * *

He then remembered the Colonel and the shirt.

 _"I can wear this shirt for all 5 seasons. The key is the faux fur lining."_

* * *

Later, they were outside in the woods, wearing ponchos made out of leaves. "Wow, it is so toasty." "The key is the birch bark lining." DM said, as he revealed the inside of the poncho. "Now come on, Penfold, we're going home."

Penfold looked around, "Which way?"

"Why it's just..." he looked around, in the direction of the trees. "...this way!"

They started running, stopping only to look at some moss growing at one side of the trees. "Squwaks said that moss only grows on the north side of trees."

"The country cabin's up north!"

"Follow that moss!" They continued running until they reach the base of a small cliff. "How do we get up there?" asked Penfold.

* * *

DM then remembered the time when he was with All 5 It. He was with one of the crew members, who was making some accessories.

 _"You got it, bro! These accessories will make our outfits rocking!"_

 _"Rocking!" said DM._

 _"And if you braid the strands real tight, they're strong enough to use as ropes."_

 _A member of the sound crew was seen using the improvised rope to hoist some equipment up. "Right as rain, love." He then noticed the equipment wouldn't fit through the opening. "We're gonna need a bigger window, though."_

* * *

Back at the cliff base, DM was showing Penfold how to braid the rope. "Back two, over one." He tugged the rope to test it. "That'll hold."

The two then climbed up. "This is great, Chief. What did you make this rope out of?"

* * *

The two were then at a mud pit, rinsing their hands. "This should help take care of the poison ivy." said DM, as he remembered his encounter with Danger Moth and Squawkencluck outside the bathroom one morning.

* * *

 _DM was standing between them, with a bemused look in Squawkencluck's direction. They had mud masks on their lower halves of their faces. They looked like they had beards. "Oooh, my pores are tingling." Said the moth agent. The professor added, "It also soothes sunburn, poison ivy, and mild to moderate acne."_

* * *

The two then came across a small boulder which blocked their way. "How are we gonna move this bad boy?" asked Penfold, as his chief thought of something.

* * *

 _It was the aftermath of another Crumhorn attack. The HQ had debris all over the penthouse. The agents were clearing up the rubble, when Colonel K noticed Danger Hedgehog struggling to lift a pile of what was by then, unrecognizable._

 _"Step aside, I got this." He then squatted and proceeded to grab the pile. "You gotta lift with your legs, not your back. you see?" He hoisted it and moved it away, inadvertenly knocking over Penfold in the process. "OW!"_

* * *

Later, the two were lifting the boulder. "Lift with your legs, not your back." said DM, and Penfold did as instructed. They were able to lift it out of the way, as it fell down the cliff and crashed onto something metallic. Baron von Greenback was heard exclaiming, "AAAHH! THE FROG FLYER!"

* * *

They then came to a log which was bridging two ends of a narrow chasm. Penfold tried to cross it. "Whoa!" He stumbled and hugged the log to prevent himself from falling off. It reminded DM of the time he was watching some surveillance footage of Princess Dawn.

* * *

 _It was in the HQ, where DM, the Coloniel, Squawkencluck, Danger Moth and Danger Hedgehog were watching recorded surveillance footage of Dawn Crumhorn, a.k.a The Princess, walking along an improvised catwalk on her backyard, walking on high heels with three books on her head. "How does she balance in those?" asked Colonel K._

 _"Eyes forward! Chin up! Tushie clenched!" said her instructor, who was offscreen. Dawn then made a grunt of discomfort._

* * *

The two then walked across the log bridge using that method. DM crossed first. "Good tip, Chief. It really works!" said Penfold. He was smiling and waving at the camera as he walked.

"I don't think you have to do the wave." said DM, who was on the other side. He then left. Penfold shrugged. He then blew a kiss at the camera and then took off after his Chief.

* * *

They made their way through the woods until they reached the country cabin.

"Penfold, we did it! We made it back!" He then dropped to the grass in relief.

"I'm pooped. I'm just gonna sit down, and wait for thethem on this nice soft rock." They then remembered their experiences with soft rocks and panicked as Penfold jumped away and they realized... "Oh, this one's really just a rock."

* * *

That evening, at the country cabin, DM was in the kitchen, speaking to the camera. "I thought spending so much time around my fellow agents was a problem, when actually it's just the opposite. If it wasn't for them, I'd probably be moose meal by now." He then carried a tray with the muffins and headed towards the living room. "And now that I don't have to worry about what's manly or girly or any of that junk I can go back to enjoying this". He entered the living room, where Colonel K, Penfold and Squawkencluck were watching The Dream Boat. "Who wants strawberry muffins?"

They all said in unison, "I do, I do, I do." They then started eating the muffins as DM sat between Penfold and Squawkencluck, as she embraced his legs. Penfold hugged him and Colonel K patted him on his shoulder.

"Oh Blaine, please tell me you're not wearing clogs."

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